Into my past
by Andieke
Summary: A undercover operation gone wrong, old wounds reopened. Will he be able to defeat the demons of his past?
1. Chapter 1

**A new story, a somewhat sequal/continuation to 'Sarah'.  
This one is more a journey through the past en how it plays out in the present. At least that's what I'm aiming for.  
The first chapter and perhaps the next one aswell is more a setting of the story, the creation of a situation from where the journey starts.**

**Anyway, I don't own the persons, except Sarah otherwise things would have been different :)**

**Let me know what you think!**

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Mind and body, body and mind

That's what makes us human beings, a being capable of feeling, knowing and experiencing. It enables us to be, to learn, to love and hate, to do pretty much everything we want. But while they know all sort of stuff about the body and the mind, there is still a lot that doesn't have an answer. There are still things that happen to you and no one can really tell you how your body enables you to that. They might have an idea, they even know what hormone is responsible for it, but the true meaning behind it no one knows.

Mind and body together usually makes us safe, it makes us think and decide whether we really want to do it or not. But it also plays a huge role in self preservation. The flight reaction most have during dangerous moments, at life threatening moments might be a primal reaction but it's usually a very good safe keeper. Adrenaline released by the body usually makes you run faster, stronger, sometime pulls up courage you didn't know you have. And most of the time it's once again one tricking the other so it can keep us safe. And the one who don't have it are usually called nutters. And that's perhaps because the equilibrium between mind and body isn't there.

But even with all the defensive mechanisms in place, the mind and body can fail and you do walk right into your doom. And while you may think that a body is strong and can take a lot of things, it usually has a limit. And when that limit has been reached, well that's where the fun part begins, well if being in excruciating pain is somewhat fun. Well as delirium kicks in anyway and the fun part about that is that if you're lucky to survive,l you won't have any memory of it. But it's the moment between fully conscious and delirium or if you're lucky unconsciousness that's the worst part of it all. It's the moment where you actually feel what they have done to your body and it sure hurts like hell.

It's also the moment you realize that this isn't the movies, that this is all real and you're not gonna get up and brush off all the dirt and blood like it's nothing. Next is the moment you realize you're utterly alone and without anyone knowing where you are. In the movies the one getting hurt is either accompanied by a partner that is less hurt and capable of pulling both of them out. Or when the hero in the story is actually alone he's usually pretty sure help is on the way. They can pass out knowing that they'll be found and in the next shot hundreds of people are running around on the scene. A good director would keep up the suspense, not yet revealing if the hero actually makes it to the hospital still breathing. Depending on what type of movie the hero usually survives and somehow without too much damage.

Oh they may be covered in blood, mud and other types of dirt when they are pulled out of the mess. And they may be covered in bandages when in hospital but when they leave they are often miraculously scratch free. Real life is much more a bitch about that.  
Perhaps 'The Godfather' is movie that stands out. After all Michael Corleone's jaw gets broken and he actually has the signs of a healing jaw through a large part of the movie. Not that it would have hurt like a bitch, because in the end that was just stage make up. But he's sure his jaw is actually broken and he can testify that it hurts like hell. Not that his broken jaw is the biggest of his worries at the moment. Well it's part of it, but the gunshot wounds to shoulder and leg do require a bit more worry. Although his swollen up face doesn't really help with the jaw and breathing for that matter.

He has been tossed inside a dark room, making his already explosive headache worse. He doesn't take kindly to being tossed but nothing to be done about that for the moment. If he somehow makes a recovery from that one and the idiot who thinks that tossing human beings around is fun, will know how he feels about that. If he survives that is. Nothing guaranteed about that, not even when they find them. If they find him that is. And although he doesn't like where his mind is taking him for the moment, he can't help it. He doesn't have the strength to divert his thinking and he can only ride along with the whirlwind of emotions that goes through him. Nobody knows where he is and therefore makes the task of finding him a little more difficult. They would never leave him, he knows enough about them, but he's more and more getting convinced that he's not going to be around to witness that.

Darkness is pulling at him and part of him wants to give in.  
The still sane part of him tells him to fight it, to keep fighting to stay awake because although darkness provides an escape from the pain, it usually also provides other things.  
Not that he thinks he's invincible and his line of work tends to get him into dangerous and possible lethal situations. It's just that he's not ready to say goodbye to the world yet. There is still so much he wants to do, to experience, yes perhaps even learn. And he feels that his time on this little planet cannot be cut short like that.  
But the need for darkness to engulf him grows and he knows he cannot hold it any longer. Perhaps if he slept a little, perhaps that would clear up his mind enough for him to escape.  
Yes sleeping couldn't be wrong now could it? You actually need to do it when you're ill so no problems there. That's is in fact the last thing that crosses his mind as darkness and its promised relieve of the pain takes him fully.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's part two.**

**It's still some setting up, but the other's point of view.  
Hope you like it!.  
Thanks for the following and reviews! Keep them coming.**

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Her partner was missing.

It nearly takes her out, but she manages to keep standing even if it takes some support of the center table in OPS. For the second time since they have met, Deeks has gone missing and once again it's on a LAPD mission. She's ready to blow, ready to explode with all the anger inside her and leash out. Preferable to the guy back at LAPD who arranged this all and failed to keep her partner safe and sound. But she can't, she's a respected federal agent and she knows better. Still if Hetty would look the other way for just a second? Yeah, like that is going to happen, her all knowing boss would know in seconds and she would pay for it. And because in the end she cares about her career, she keeps it inside and listens to the story being told by Eric and Nell.

Apparently Deeks posed once again as a lawyer who doesn't really care about the rules and infiltrated a gang. A small gang looking to graduate to the big boys. Their choice of exam, a huge arms deal. Thanks to Deeks' intel LAPD had known that the meeting was to go down this morning. The plan had been simple, bust the place and arrest everyone. Only when LAPD got to the scene, they came to the conclusion that the meeting had already taken place and didn't end peaceful. The only thing they had been able to find were bodies, shell casings and a lot of blood. Blood from different donors, but what worried her the most, part of it, well quite a lot, too much if you asked her belonged to her partner. At this moment the LAPD had to admit they had no idea where he was. The only thing they could say was that not every member of the gang had been accounted for.

That could only mean two things: either his cover is still intact and he had no choice but to go back with the remaining gang members. In that case he should contact LAPD as soon as possible. The second option was that his cover had been blown and the gang had taken him prisoner and done who knew what to him. Knowing his luck, Kensi feared that the latter had taken place.

He couldn't be death, at least if he knew what was good for him. But the gang didn't know and they could have done whatever they wanted. But she tells herself, perhaps you could consider it a lie, that she would know it if he had died on the job. Like karma, it would have made its way back to her and she would have known.

Hetty snaps them all back to reality and she focuses on her other team members. She can see the same worry, the same fear on their faces. But there is also a determination to be seen. They'll find him , even when it's too late and even when it's the last thing they do. They owe it to him and no way will they leave him out there. Even when the unthinkable has happened, he deserves to be found and laid to rest. But she mentally kicks herself. No need to go there unless she's 100% sure he's gone, when she has seen with her own eyes, when she has felt the cold with her own hands. Only then will she admit that's he's gone and will she think about the rest. Right now, she needs to presume he's alive and that he's out there, needing her. It's what keeps her calm, it's what keeps her concentrated.

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Hetty won't let them go the crime scene, claiming everything had been searched by LAPD and another NCIS team is nearby and will do another sweeping. He's nearly ready to jump out of his skin, but his boss won't relent. They are more useful here, inside OPS. Being more useful turns out to help Nell and Eric skip through the footage LAPD gave them, shifting through Deeks' reports and digging up more information about the gang members still out there.

It turns out the gang Deeks infiltrated is entirely made up by amateurs. Either they figured they really were above everything and everyone else, or they were just plain stupid. Judging by what he's seen in his long undercover career, he figures it's the latter. It doesn't take them long to find a lead, a very promising lead. A van had been spotted leaving the scene of the crime. One kaleidoscope search later, the van has been traced to a warehouse. A warehouse that leads back to one of the gang members. Sometimes life is just too easy, but then he remembers that one his team mates is in danger, and the laugh disappears from his face. it's his job to keep this team together, it's his job to make sure that they are all safe and sound by the end of the day.

As special agent in charge he really should know where his team members, where his agents are at all time, but he's not all seeing as Hetty appears to be. But this particular agent does make it difficult for him to know where he is all of the time. And just like the rest he often wonders why Deeks never took the job opportunity Hetty had given him and why he chose to keep his connection to LAPD. He does however know that no matter what happens next they are going to get him back and if the unthinkable has happened, they'll find those responsible for it and make them pay. They owe it to him, even when he isn't one of them officially. The reality of it all is that he is and always will be, Deeks is part of his little family and that counts for something.

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The car ride to the place had happened in silence but he didn't mind it at all. It meant that they were all focused on the job and ready to go for it. It was just that he wasn't sure what the mind set of his partners were. Both Kensi and Callen were good operatives, they stood their ground, used their training to get them out of trouble, but they also had a short fuse. And hurting their fourth team member, possibly hurting him until he died had lit that fuse. That's probably why Hetty pulled him aside before they left. If Deeks didn't make it, they still needed answers. The silent order was unspoken but not unheard. If they were to come across some of the bad guys they had to keep some of them alive or at least tried to do so. And that's why he had a frank talk with the others before he started the car. He wanted Deeks back just like they did, he actually had started to like the younger guy, yet he would deny it till the day he died. The guy could be annoying, but he was also good at what he did and he had deserved his place on the team. And even if he had been a lousy team member, he didn't deserve this.

The inside of the warehouse is as abandoned as it looked on the outside. But at least inside there are signs that they are on the right track, that people have been inside recently and by the looks of it, it were the gang they were after. Kensi and Callen left to check the back rooms while Sam approached the stairways. A little something caught inside the light of his flashlight and his heart nearly stops. It's blood, dried blood, but too much for his liking. It forms a trail upstairs and he can't but follow it. He knows it's a potential dangerous move, but he's also pretty sure the place it as deserted as it looks. But if that blood is Deeks, something he fears, every second counts and he's not the one wasting time.

Dust breaks the beam of his light as he reaches the next floor and he looks around. This floor has the same layout of the floor below and has some rooms in the back. He quickly scans the main room, but finds nothing out of the ordinary, well nothing more out of the ordinary than the blood trail he's following into one of the back rooms. He hands slowly comes to rest on the handle and he braces himself. While he's big on praying and hoping, he's also a realistic man. He knows the possibilities and he's just trying to mentally prepare himself for it. He slowly pushes open the door and it doesn't take long to find what's he looking for. He knows he has to alert the other two, but doesn't want to before he's sure himself. As he kneels down in front of the still form and reaches out towards the neck, he hesitates for just a second. It's the worst moment, it's the moment before you find out the truth, but it's also the moment where you are ignorant of said truth.

But him being Sam Hanna he shakes himself out of it and reaches forward again. Only to stop once again before his fingers make contact. But this time it's not because he's hesitant of finding out the truth. This time it's because the man underneath him stirred a little. The third attempt is successful and it tells him he's not dreaming, he's not imagining it. The man, the fourth member of his team is alive, barely but still alive. Alerting Eric to send an ambulance, alerts the others as well as he can clearly hear them running upstairs. Where he normally would chide them for this recklessness he doesn't say anything. He can't say anything, the emotions might take over if he does. It's in that silence that they stand by him, stand by the LAPD detective who wormed his way into their tight knit group. And while he clearly has a long way ahead of him, if he makes it, Sam simply knows he won't have to do it alone.

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She's a strong woman and faced many dangers in her life, but there is one thing she hates the most and tries to avoid as much as possible, hospital waiting rooms. Especially ER waiting rooms as that is where the great Henrietta Lange faces her team. She looks at their faces and sees the despair that can probably be seen on her face as well. It's one thing learning that Marty Deeks had been found breathing inside the building, it's quite the other thing seeing him being wheeled in the ER room, right in the hands of a waiting medical team. She pulled some strings, letting people know she wanted the best care for this patient and made it clear she wouldn't take no for an answer. But still she had to wait for news. Hours go by and she's on the verge of yelling at some people. If humanly possible Callen would have left a mark on the floor with his pacing. Sam is sitting in the far corner, seemingly ready to jump someone. She's sure if the hospital provided a bag, he would be up there beating the hell out of the thing. That was how Sam dealt with things like this, and she made a mental note to replace the one back at the mission. Sam didn't really like brand new ones, but the anger pent up in him would be what was needed to break a new one in. She's sure Callen en Kensi would love to join in.

Thinking of the brown haired young woman make her eyes travel along to room until they come to rest on said person. Kensi sit motionless in the chair, staring into nothing. In her hands she holds his watch and Hetty wonders how she had gotten it. She figures one of the ambulance personnel had taken it off, giving it her. She can see the item being turned around in the slender fingers while the woman just stares right in front of her. Hetty figures that if world war 3 were to erupt right in front of her female agent Kensi wouldn't notice a thing. From the corner of her eye she can see someone clad in scrubs coming her way, so she stands up and turns towards that person. Behind her she can hear Callen stopping pacing and the sound of people getting out of chairs. Soon she feels the presence of the 3 at her back as they wait for the doctor to come to them.

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**So this is what the team thinks.**

**Maybe not entirely clear yet, but it's not about the adventure, the panic and or thrill of a mission. It's about how they deal with it, deal with the possible dangers. Or at least that's how I see it and I hope the next chapters will make that more clear.**

**Anyway, let me know what you think! **


	3. Chapter 3

**So a little later than planned, but here's the next chapter.  
**

**Thanks for the reviews, the followers and the favourites, they truly make my day so keep them coming!.**

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**Three**

It's too much, the list is too long. A broken jaw, set fairly easily. Two gunshot wounds, one to the shoulder and one to the leg. The first one was a clean one, the second one had managed to shatter both bones in the lower leg and it had been a nasty break. For the rest he had received a thorough beating and had needed stitches all over his body. His organs had been bruised, but nothing life threatening there, but some broken ribs, a broken jaw and bruised lungs had given the doctors no other choice but to put him on a ventilator.

But it's the infections and the non responsiveness that causes the most worry and makes her want to turn back time and actually force his signature on the application she had prepared for him years ago.  
But he hasn't and now he's in this situation. A situation where the first signs of pneumonia and the need for a ventilator aren't a happy sign and the fact that he doesn't seem to respond to anything is pretty bad. But if there is one person who could survive this all, than it is her NCIS LAPD Liaison officer. He's been through much, survived too much to just give up like that. And while she comforts herself with the fact that he is strong, both mentally as physically there is that one little voice inside her head, a little voice that informs her that this might be just that touch too much.

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She's not going anywhere. They are cramped inside a little room, to the side of a much larger room. After the operations and the necessary tests, they had brought her partner to his own room on the ICU ward. He had been put into isolation, just to give him a fighting chance to survive. Her eyes never leave him, follow the soft movements of his chest, up, down, up down. She knows it's powered by the ventilator but as long as he keeps doing that he's alive. She needs him to be alive. The last weeks had been hell and had told her how much he actually meant to her.

The life of an NCIS agent wasn't always easy, it had been spend in secrecy and they only could really trust one another. Being one of the few female agents didn't make things any easier. Sam and Callen were her big brothers, she knew there would be nothing they wouldn't do for her. But still the connection was different, was more 'parent like' because of their age differences. Not that she would tell that to their faces. They were a little sensitive to be called old, like her partner had discovered not too long ago.

Deeks had been different, had really turned her life around. While she hadn't been really the picture of a warm welcome when he joined the team, she couldn't imagine her life without him. He knew her through and through, could almost predict her reactions before she even knew them. He had become a true partner, perhaps more than a partner. There had always been that line and while he was far more open about it, she held back. recently however she had begun the realize something. She always figured she held back because she was afraid, afraid of losing him, afraid that he would break her heart like Jack had done. She knows that to be a lie now, he's made it perfectly clear he would do anything to keep her safe.

So she wasn't going to leave his side, even with a glass wall between them.

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As one to have survived the system, even survived more than 30 foster homes and nowhere really a place to call home, G Callen knew what it was to be alone. Knew what it felt like when no one cared about you and you just had to find your way in life alone. And while he hasn't the details about Marty Deeks' childhood, Callen knew it was anything but peachy and Deeks had seen his fair share of loneliness.

That made his mind up, they were not to leave this hospital until whatever that had to happen, happened. He was not to be the next one that left the cop alone. If these were the last days of Deeks, he would not let him die alone.  
One look on his team mate told him they felt the same, they weren't going to leave. Hetty understood as well as she never made a comment or tried to make them go home. Even better, later that evening Nell and Eric arrived, carrying the team's go bags and by that bringing them a change or clothes for the morning.

But two days in, Hetty left to take a phone call and when she's back inside the little room, Callen simply knows that he'll have to break his promise to Deeks. Because there is one thing that could have him break that, that would need him to go out and deal with it. They got them, the remaining gang members, and as he suspects, the ones that did this to Deeks.

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He had come along with Callen, there was no discussing it. So they both had stepped into the boat shed and into the interrogation room. Inside they encountered one of the remaining gang members, a guy with tattoos all around. Basically your 'not to bright type of gang member' kinda guy. And while normally they would let LAPD deal with this stuff, this is their cause and it's personal.

But still that had not been the reason why he came along. Yes it was personal but he wasn't about to let a case go sour because Callen couldn't keep his temper in check. They owed that to Deeks, especially should he not make it out of this alive. He, Sam Hanna, was too proud of what he did, too fond of that cheeky cop to let some manhandling turn the case sour.

But right now he finds it a little difficult to keep that in mind, to keep his hands to himself and not go back inside. The gunshot wounds had come from the busted deal. The rest of injuries had been inflicted by the guys that saved him from the deal. They had brought him because they couldn't leave him there. It would be too risky for their business. But back at the warehouse it looked like they needed something to cool their anger on. Too bad it had to be Deeks and while he could defend himself. Sam being his somewhat personal trainer in the self defense department, made sure the guy knew what to do. But being injured and already losing a lot of blood had left Deeks on the weak side and on the wrong side of a heavy and serious beating.

But the most troubling of it all was the fact that Deeks cover was still intact. The bastard actually still believe he had been a dirty lawyer and that made it all even worse. They had just beaten him because they could, and that was almost too hard to bare and he needed all his willpower to remain calm.

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The first thing he realizes is that fact that he's lying on something soft. All he remembered was lying against something hard and being stone cold. Now he's seemingly surrounded by softness and he's nice and warm. And for a moment all is good and well.

But then the rest comes crashing in, the pain, the constant pain and then the realization that something is stuck inside his mouth. He can't see, he can't hear of feel for that matter, but he's still going into a blind panic.

A while in he feels something inside of him, something rushing in and the blackness returns, once again settling everything nice and quietly in the background and he has no choice but to give in.

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They are still sitting outside the boat shed as his phone rings. They both look at each other. Sam made Kensi promise that she would call them if something happened and right now it's Kensi calling him. A cold settles around his heart, but answers anyway. And when he hears a crying Kensi on the other side, his heart turns into a stone and plummets down. Only to change into a rocket and shoot for the stars a second later. Because she isn't crying because she's sad, she's crying because she's happy.

'Callen?!, he's waking up.'

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**Let me know what you think.**


	4. Chapter 4

**It's been awhile, but been busy with work and other stuff.  
Anway, number four in the row.**

**Still a bit thank you to the followers/favourites and reviews. They do warm my heart every day. :)**

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**Four**

He leaves them in agony for another 3 days. It's only then he manages to finally break through the fog inside his mind. Once again he's aware of the softness he's lying on and the fact that he's nice and warm. Slowly other senses are coming back to him and even his mind starts to work again.

It takes a long time, but finally he's coherent enough to connect the dots, he's not dead. No he's in hospital and people are taking care of him. He can hear one of them moving around him, hooking stuff up, changing something. What is surprising is the fact that he can't hear someone talking. Whoever is standing next to his bed is alone in this room. It does worry him a bit. What if the team didn't find him, but someone else did? Chances are they have no clue who he is, and just brought him to hospital. He has no idea how long he's been here, and if there is something of a missing person thing going on. For all he knows, he might be here utterly alone.

Suddenly the need to know, to see is overwhelming and he wills himself to open his eyes. It hurts like hell, the effort he needs to put in it and when he finally manages to crack them open, the harsh light. But by the second time he only opens them a little bit and is capable of focusing.

'welcome back, Detective' he can hear and he automatically looks towards the noise. A little focusing later and the blurry mess becomes a human person, a nurse standing next to his bed.

She continues by telling what is wrong with him. He doesn't remember, what scares the shit out of him is the list. It keeps on going. He focuses on the ceiling, wondering what will be next. It seems to be he's here alone and he just doesn't know what to do about it, how to breach the subject of contacting someone. It just doesn't seem to register with him that she used his title and therefore knows who he is. The only thing he can really think, that is really on his mind is the fact that he's alone inside this room. Well not entirely alone, the nurse is standing next to him but she will leave in a couple of minutes and he would be alone until it is time to check up on him again.

Well to say he's not used to be alone is a lie, but it doesn't mean he likes it. The past years have proven to him that if given the choice, he would like to spend his time with people, with friends.  
'Detective?' the nurse asks again and he focuses on her again. He's pretty sure she's been talking to him but he doesn't know what she has been saying, too caught up in his misery.  
She doesn't say anything else, but does look away from him with something of a knowing look. Wondering what it is, he slowly turns his head in the same direction. The first he sees is an entire blurry of colors. Closing his eyes eases a little of the blurry, but blinking does seem to bring clarity to his vision. It takes several blinks, but then he can see them. And perhaps he's not as alone as he believes himself to be.

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She's not at all surprised by the phone call she received from the hospital. To be truthful she expected it way sooner, but it seems like the doctors wanted to give it a few more days. It's been nearly a week since he woke up and came back to them. Well sort of, he's still in hospital, will be for awhile longer and she can tell he's already bored out of his mind. But there is something else going on and it seems like the doctors have finally noticed it as well. While he's awake and talking, helping then getting the case to a close, he's not really there. He's silent unless someone asks him something but even then you really have to pull the words out of him. They are so used to him being a waterfall of words and this silence is taking a hold over them. Actually it begins to scare the team and quite frankly her too. She doesn't know him like the others do, at least not as close as his partner does but even she can tell this is not good and it's certainly not going in the right direction. The phone call from hospital sealed the deal for her and before heading down there she made a few arrangements. He wouldn't like it, neither of them, but it's something that needs to be done and if she wants her team to be complete again she's prepared to go the extra mile.

The doctor finds her easily enough when she arrives at the hospital and she's whisked away into an office.  
'Miss Lange, I'm sure I don't need you to remind you of the serious nature of his injuries.' The doctor asks.

No she doesn't need to be reminded, just looking at him or even thinking back to how he looked when he was brought in is enough to tell her how serious this all is.

'And while his physical condition is improving, I'm worried about his mental state. That's why I called you. I have made arrangement for the detective to undergo a full psychological evaluation.

It sounds worse than it is, but she had that in mind as well. Her liaison officer might claim he's alright or on his way but he's not fooling anyone. And the doctor is right. Physically everything is on the mend, everything is moving forwards but mentally he's moving backwards and if they don't want to lose him to whatever is hiding inside of him they need to do this.

'I am aware of his mental state doctor, but I do have to ask you to cancel those plans.'

'Miss Lange, I'm not sure you fully…..' but she cuts the doctor off, she understands all too well, it's just she has plans of her own.

'I understand just fine, but by now you'll have learned that we are not your average law enforcers. And while Mister Deeks needs someone to help him, I'm afraid he'll not talk to your specialist. The agency we all work for has its psychologists, people who know what my agents do for a living, they are people were the need for secrecy doesn't exist. I believe it would be easier for Mr. Deeks to talk to one of them. As a matter of fact I have already made the necessary arrangements. '

She explains and realizes these will be the easy part. Convincing the doctor wouldn't be difficult, especially when the proof of her intentions is destined to walk through the hospital doors in a couple of days. No it's the cop that will prove to be most difficult. He's a nice laid back man or at least wants people to believe that. And on occasions can be easily persuaded into things. The trouble of it all? He decides the mood he's in and when he sets his mind, and she's pretty sure he'll on this one, he is by far the most stubborn man she ever met. But he'll have no choice what so ever. This is not a decision he can make, it's been made for him.

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Saying goodbye to the doctor she walks towards his room and finds him alone. Not too difficult since she told the other to go home and have some rest. He sleeps most of the time anyway. This time she finds him away, writing something down.

'I hope that's not what I think it is.' it announces her presence and he has the decency to look caught.

'because if it is, I'll not accept it.'

He drops the pen and gazes past her. She lets him, no need to push him even further.

'I propose a deal. Let's get you on the road again, both physically and mentally. If you still feel the same after that, I'll not stand in your way.' She says. His eyes shift a little and land on her.

'But I need you to cooperate and go to those meetings and evaluations.' It's probably the softest order she has ever given but she needs to be soft around him. No need to heighten the negativity in him.

He surrenders his hold on the paper, allowing her to pick it up and put it in her pocket. It's the closest she'll get to a yes from him and she takes it. It's also a confirmation of how badly he needs that help. He gave up from the start, no fight left in him. It's only to show how deep he has sunken and how he needs the help.

'Good. Nate will be here in a couple of days.'

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**Let me know what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5

**So, been awhile but I've been busy. Another storyline popped up in my head and did interfere with this one.  
Tons of work at the workplace wasn't helping either, but anyway here's the next installment and I do hope you'll like this.**

**Thanks for the reviews, followers and favorites. Keep them coming :)**

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**Five**

His office is unchanged, but he didn't expect anything else.

He's been away for years now, with short comebacks in between. He knows he's out there doing good work, helping people that need it. But this is his home and no matter what, no matter the good work he does outside, if he has a say in the matter, this is where he belongs.  
And so he can't be sad to be back here, despite the jetlag. He doesn't even mind it, as it is a proof of the fact that he actually is back in LA.

But he can't be overjoyed, because of the reason he's back. He knows that Hetty sends him out on assignments, he knows she's the one that decides where he ends up and what he does. So he also knows that this sudden come back isn't because she misses him. He's needed here, Hetty needs him, the team needs him.

And while he had worked with other teams, still does, this particular one will always be his. They were fused together by past experiences and he would always refer to them as his team. Even when they blocked him out what the evaluations came up.

'Mr. Getz' he hears behind him and he turns around to face what people could call a legend. Hetty Lange is standing in the doorway. And if he hadn't figured out something was wrong with the team, he does now. A look on her face is enough to tell him that something is wrong, horribly wrong. His gaze shifts to what she's holding when she enters the room fully and after that places on his desk. It's a file, a personnel file and a rather thick one. He slowly opens it and comes face to face with a picture. It's not Callen or Sam, or god forbid Kensi. It's an official LAPD photo of Detective Marty Deeks.

He never got to know the new one, mainly because he wasn't around as much, but based on Hetty's facial expressions and the file lying on his desk he figures he'll get to know the detective up close and personal. He listens to her story, to what they know has happened and what they figured has happened. It's pretty clear what is expected of him. He wonders what the file has to do with it. Deeks hasn't been long enough with NCIS to acquire such an amount of paperwork, even Callen's file isn't as thick as this. But Hetty helps him out, pointing him towards the childhood of the cop. Suddenly he doesn't want to know what's inside of that file. A file the seize of this one usually means one of two things: or a criminal past or a very troubled, even abuse filled childhood. The fact that Deeks is a cop annuls the first one.

After awhile Hetty makes her retreat and he's alone with the paperwork in front of him. He sits down and clears his mind. He needs to take this one with a clear mind, no prejudice or anything. He opens the file again and starts to read. He soon wishes he never had to.

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She finds him in his office and she's not sure what she's doing here. She likes him, as a person, his profession is something else. She doesn't like people sifting through her mind and that's what he's paid to do. A small smile when she realizes someone else has done just that, even with all the walls she pulled up, Deeks pulled them down relentlessly. He can make her smile, relax after a long day. He's her everything and makes the world worthwhile. But right now he's not there, he's not by her side so she goes to the one person she's sure can help him.

'hey Kens.' her name being called makes her look up. Nate's sitting behind his desk and looks at her. The papers on his desk are covered, his face a mask. But his eyes can't lie, eyes never do and she knows he's being doing something he didn't like. She wonders if it's about her partner. Because that's why he's here, to bring back her partner;

'You've got to help him' there is no introduction, straight to the point. But he clearly doesn't need that.

' I'll do my best.' he says

' No, you've got do it, there is no other option.'

She's never been this emotional, at least not with others, but this is Nate and all the sudden it doesn't matter anymore. She doesn't care he sees her weak side, he knows she has one. Her eyes water up and she fights a losing battle against them. He's up on his feet and next to her in a heartbeat. And while he isn't her partner and therefore can't replace him, she'll settle for his arms for the moment. She'll settle for his hug and soothing words and for the first time since the ordeal lets out the tears that have been hiding inside of her.

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As a psychologist and especially one working for NCIS he had seen a lot in his life, he had encountered many people and they all had their own stories to tell, their own reasons for doing things that particular way. As a trained professional he had learned to watch people , to really watch them for tells, for signs things were good or bad. And throughout his years working with this particular team he had learned what made them tick and what made them stronger or weaker. And while they appeared to be unreadable to others, he had learned to read them like an open book.

Callen's hard look on life had been brought on by his childhood, by the abandonment as a child and the lack of knowledge about this family or even about himself as the lack of a first name showed. Everything he did had to be looked on from that view. The little family inside NCIS was all Callen had and he would go to the end to keep them safe. He had a tendency to become a lone wolf when threatened but partnering him up with Sam had put an end to that, or almost an end to that. Making him Special Agent in Charge hadn't been solely because of his experience and his years inside the agency. It had been a great move by Hetty. By tapping into his responsibilities, a strong emotion inside Callen she had managed to tie him down and let go of the nomads life. The man even owned a house now, although Nate was pretty sure it was as empty as can be.

Sam was a hard man, not only for himself but also to others and he didn't need to be told that the relationship between Deeks and Sam would have been difficult in the beginning. Deeks was everything Sam was not and vice versa. Sam was a proud product of the Navy, a Seal through and through and he would never give up on the rules inside the team. They were a team and Sam would do everything to keep that team alive and safe. Yet he would remain inside the guidelines and would never think about going off on his own. Sam knew the value of teamwork and lived by it. It had led to multiple confrontations with Callen but it had also allowed for the friendship and the partnership to grow. And now these two didn't need a word to know what was going on or what the other needed. They truly had a good working relationship and were one of the best team or partners he had ever witnessed.

Kensi was difficult, in how to read her. She blocked everything and everyone out and kept her secrets close to her heart. You didn't need to be Einstein to figure out why. Losing her father at a young age, a mother who had left and years later a fiancé that left her, it all had contributed to the hard woman she was. She wanted to be seen as one of the guys and worked hard to get there. Like Callen she had a bit of a tendency to go lone wolf, but not necessarily to keep the rest safe. Kensi liked to do things on her own, to not get any help for others. She would never ask and most certainly wouldn't accept it. You often really had to force her to let others in. But in the last years a little change had come to Kensi. While she was still hard on herself and others and still did everything inside her power to outshine others and remind them how hard she worked to get there, she had changed and in Nate's opinion for the better. She had finally let someone else in, someone else seemingly hadn't give up on her or on his actions to really get to know her and to understand her. Deeks, Nate mused, despite the early rocky start had turned out to be the perfect partner for Kensi. Though enough to allow her to do what she did, but emotional enough to coax her out of her shell. He could only hope he would be able to bring back that Deeks to her.

And if the three figured they were the hardest to read, the most difficult to understand, they were sadly mistaken. Because the man he was looking at, the man lying in the hospital won the grand price. The unreadable Martin 'Marty' Deeks, officially still a cop but been at NCIS for 3 years now. And while it appeared that everything at the cop screamed easy to read, Nate understood he wasn't. Because the signs and tells coming from the man, the stories he heard about him, they all didn't fit inside the life Marty had lived. The thick file back at his office told a different story, a real story but one you couldn't or wouldn't want to believe when you actually met the guy. Nate figured, no he was sure it was all a mask, a face that was projected to the outside. It was the Deeks he allowed the others to see. The real one hid inside the walls. And while Callen, Kensi and even Sam had walls too, Deeks' walls were different. They were fortified and numerous and Nate wondered how exhausting it must be. To constantly allow the others to not see the real Deeks, to keep the upbeat view on life all the time and seemingly be unfazed by what others thought or said. There had been so much going on inside Deeks childhood that in a logic way of thinking he would never have turned out like this. But Nate had seen more than his share in life and knew that people didn't always turn out the way they were supposed to.

Even now he could see the walls, some lay broken around, other still stood upright and strong. But this was not the Deeks the others knew, the Deeks he had seen the few times he had come down to help them. And right now he needed to help Deeks, so he opens the door and steps inside. He doesn't have a game plan, he never does or at least never a full game plan. He likes to have a feel for the situation and the person he is dealing with. He just had to make sure he doesn't let Deeks fool him into something that wasn't the truth.

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**Kensi might be a bit OCC, but I figured after the last few episodes I could allow it in. **

**About the setting with the episodes, pretty much up to date only the events of 'Descent' never happened. **


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm so sorry it took so long, but I've been busy with work and other things got in the way as well.  
A little short one, but it's more a connection to get from one point to another in the story.**

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**Six**

He's stuck in here. The cast on his leg heavy and literary weighing him down. His shoulder isn't healed enough to allow him out on crutches and he's only allowed a wheelchair to get from A to B. He refuses to use that, whenever he needs to be moved the head nurse comes in with the damn thing and smug look on her face. Maybe he should just give in but every time he sees her he stands his ground. He refuses to ask because he doesn't want her to have the satisfaction of him asking for it.

It however leaves him grounded and nowhere to go. He busies himself with reading, sleeping and watching some TV. However it doesn't help him with the ideas inside his head, the ghosts he had put to bed only for them to resurface, especially at night. He almost wishes they never told him, never spoken to him about the interrogation of the members. The idea that they had no idea who he really was, that his cover is, or at least was at the time still intact does not fill him with joy. The idea that they did what they did, the beating, the leaving him like that was due to the fact that they could scares the shit out of him and brings back memories he's not too fond of.

If they didn't think he was a weak one already, they certainly did now. How could he ever boost about his own achievement with that hanging over his head? He could of course cite his injuries, by the time the beating took place he had already lost blood because of his shot wounds. But he's got the idea that with this 3 it didn't matter. It didn't matter that your cover demanded a person who's never shot a gun or got caught in a cross fire. You stood your ground, protected your body and that from you partner and made damn sure you walked away again. That's what they did and he had failed, not once, but twice by getting himself shot. And for once he's normal defense mechanism doesn't work, he can't just joke it off because it hurts. It hurts deep down, admitting that he was in fact the weak part and probably the reason they would at one point end up in a serious situation. And secondly it physically hurt as well. Not only inside his belly, inside his heart, but his jaw hurt like hell if he talked too much and without being able to talk he couldn't distract them.

Maybe that's the reason he wrote the letter but then again it didn't explain why he let Hetty take it away from him. Perhaps because he doesn't want to leave, even when knowing that's probably the only way out. While he needs no encouragement to doubt himself, he couldn't live with the idea that the other did as well. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself should anything happen to them because they were busy wondering he would show up on time, whether he had their back or not.

And perhaps Hetty provided the much needed escape from that thought. Perhaps if she managed to convince them? yeah who was he kidding? They didn't talk, they would sit next to his bed and they would make small talk but that was it, there was no profound talking between them, no soul searching moments because it meant they would have to deal with emotions and if there was one thing they didn't do, it was that. The job came first and the rest only when they couldn't avoid it. Still he took her up on the offer of Nate coming over. Despite knowing he would soon lose his place, it didn't mean he was okay and that he indeed needs help to get back on his feet and Nate would be able to help him.

Nate, he hadn't been able to get to know the psychologist like the others did, but they clearly trusted him and so would he. Today they had their first session, their first talk. Nate had clearly made it about getting to know him. Or at least know the man that was not inside the file. He had been grateful for Nate telling him the truth, that the psychologist knew what had happened all those years ago and what had finally drove him to do just that, shoot his own father. Unlike others, Nate didn't pass judgment and he was thankful for that. He didn't need yet another person judging his life and the actions he took.

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They are called back in to the office. Hetty had been working to keep them off the roster for awhile, but in the end there is only so much they can do and they are called back in. It's a sudden lead in a cold case and now they are working on it. It's silent inside the bullpen, the odd click or footsteps can be heard, but for the rest it's silent and to be honest it gets on his nerves.

While he's big on silence, silence to meditate, to think he's also gotten used to noise around him. noise made by one member of his team, one member who finds himself in hospital and mentally? Mentally Deeks is pulling back, retreating from them and it's not good. He simply knows that. It goes against everything he ever learned or lived by. Even now he stands by the one simple sentence, _you don't leave one behind. _ It's simple and yet hard as well. harder when the one it concerns seems to do everything to stay behind.

Something needs to be done and he's been at the point of doing it himself. Whatever Deeks has in his mind it needs to stop and he needs to think about the positive aspects of his life, their life. But the arrival of Nate had put a hold on it. Nate knows better what to do to get Deeks back on track and he's more than able to admit he's doesn't know what to do, the Navy Seal inside of him knows when to stay out of things he doesn't have a clue about. But that doesn't mean there isn't anything to be done, anything he can do. So while Callen conducts a phone call on the case, he goes in search of their leader. There is something that needs to be done and he's pretty sure that he's the right man for the job.

**Please let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Next installment, it's a bit of an in between chapter. Letting both Kensi and Deeks deal with the situation and the emotions that go with it.**

**Anway, still a big heartfelt thanks for the reviews, followers and favorites. It makes my day seeing those mails in my mailbox.**

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**Seven**

Nearly 5 weeks after being admitted he's cleared to go home. Finally his infections have cleared, his body strength is coming back to him and his shoulder is healed enough to withstand crutches. It allows him to move a bit more freely. Still he needs to take caution, needs to take his rest and his medication. Dutiful she listens to everything the doctors tell her and him, she's sealing everything inside her memory, there is no way he'll be able to fool her. She even learns how to change the dressings on his leg. And while she never pictured herself as the most caring person in the world, he's different. He's her partner and she'll take care of him. She knows he would do the same if the situation was reversed but that's not her biggest motivation. She's standing inside his hospital room, listing to the doctors, accepting the notes and leaflets because she wants to. She's not the most romantic person in the world, except with Titanic, but she's not the girl who dreams about princesses and princes, but the idea that she had gotten so close to lose her partner has changed her view on things. She wasn't there to help him when the undercover operation had been going on but now she's here, now she'll help him no matter what.

She's even gone as far as to clean out his fridge and restock it. truth be told she did enlist the help of Nell and Sam, because let's face it, they know a whole lot more about healthy good food. While she knew the fast food and snack department of the store by heart, she had led them loose in the vegetable and fruit department ending up with a good mix of stuff. Of course her favorites are stocked in there as well. she's planning on sticking around and well she could make sure she'll be able to eat something she likes.

He's not entirely overjoyed when he realizes she'll be the one taking him home but he doesn't say a word. He's silent when he's given his papers. He doesn't even put up a fight when the nurses bring the wheelchair. So he wants to go home, she's just not sure he wants her to be there. It stings more than she's ready to admit but she wills it away. He's been through a lot and needs to find his footing again. She'll be there every step of the way, whether he likes it or not .

The drive home happens in silence, and she keeps looking at him. He's looking outside, probably taking in his surrounding, finally free from the hospital walls. And yeah he could drive her crazy with his constant chatter about pretty much everything, this scares her even more. He's never silent, never ever and she can't help but wonder what's going around in his mind.

She knows he's talking to Nate and Nate will help him get back, but still, what if he can't? What if whatever happened to him at that warehouse scarred him enough to leave? A little voice inside her head tells her he'll never leave her, never just walk out of her life, but she's not sure anymore if that is just enough. If he should leave NCIS, even when she would see him outside of work, she's not sure it's worth it. So she can only hope he'll not be the case Nate fails at. She can't deal with another failing, the rest of the team can't.

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Calling it suffering is a too harsh of a word but he really wants to be alone, just him, Monty and his couch. But he allows her to stay, at least until dinner. Neither fancies cooking, despite his fully stocked fridge and him getting to the door is a little complicated with his crutches. So he allows her to stay until it's time to order the food and it's delivered, and yeah well also eaten. Kensi is not the person to be send on her way hungry. He shuffles through his apartment at a speed his crutches and his body allow. It feels good to be back in a familiar setting, to finally not smell antiseptic and other hospital smells. He's not too happy about the constant shadow that is following him around. He knows it's out of care, she's only doing this because she's worried about him and want nothing more than for him to get better. He knows that if the situation was reversed he would be like this too, but he also knows that if she would ask him to leave, he would, well at least in the end he would. Even an injured Kensi would be capable of kicking him out.

So when the pizza is been eaten, the soda's been drunk, they sit on the couch in silence, a tense silence. He's been thinking about the best way to approach the subject, but doesn't really find a way. Well not until she yawns a little and he picks up on it. telling her it's okay for her to go home, to have a good night of sleep. She argues, of course but he explains he needs to be alone for awhile, not to be taken care of every second like he was in hospital. Her faces softens a little after that.

He's keeping away from the turmoil inside his head, but he's not lying to her. He really wants to be on his own for a little while, sleep in his own bed, wondering around when the need arise. Finally she caves and leaves, but not without some promises from his side. He'll keep his phone close by just in case something goes wrong and needs some help. And yes she'll be the first one he calls. He promises to take his medication on time, proving it by taken some of it before her eyes. He's a little scared she would check if he actually swallowed it, but she believes him and why should he lie? He's still hurting a bit and he's not the one to suffer without a reason.

Silence returns to the house and he settles on the couch. He's feeling a little lonely but also at ease, knowing Kensi, and for that matter the rest of the crew are just a phone call away. He shifts until he finds a spot that doesn't hurt his ribs, leg or generally his entire body. He grabs the remote control and settles in for a night of mindless TV with man's best friend by his side.

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She's anxious and a little annoyed at herself. She's not too sure it was a good idea to leave him alone, but she can understand his reasoning and he did promise to call her the second something is up. So she settles on the couch, a beer nearby and the remote in her hand. She doesn't see a lot of the programs and the beer remains untouched.

She can't help but feel he wanted her to leave because he can't stand to be around her. And she wonders if that's what they have become. From close partners, best friends, sharing a thing to almost strangers? She knows what he feels, well she's not 100 percent sure, but still it's clear what he wants. She always kept it away, always pushed him away and yet praying he would never leave her. He wouldn't, at least not willingly, but in the past month they had come close to an unwillingly goodbye. To say she has been scared shitless was an understatement. The fear that had taken over her when Hetty informed them and no way of knowing where he was. She had been ready to do anything, if only to bring him back to her.

Later when they had found him and brought him to the hospital fear had really settled in and left her in a state of despair. What if he never woke up, what if those had been the last days and she would never see that smile again, never to lose herself in the blue of his eyes? It had possessed her dreams those few days until he had recovered, or at least enough to not be in a dangerous situation anymore. But the Deeks that had woken up had been so different from the one they had known. Was it because of her or the mission? Nate seemed to think it was the latter, she feared it to be the first one.

And there was no one else to blame but herself. How could she believe that he would stay around until she finally figured out what she wanted? And while she knows he would never stop being her partner, unless Hetty fired him, she's afraid he'll stop being her best friend and she can't stand it. Just like she can't stand the idea he'll be alone for a while, not necessarily at home because let's face it, she has to get back to work someday. But he's going places she'll not be around and what if he meets someone there? What if he meets a woman who's prepared to give him what he wants, no questions asked and no scars and nightmares to hold her back. She can't stand it and she has to fight the urge to get up and go over to his place. She needs to give him space, he needs some room to breathe and get what's going on inhis mind under control. But she needs a plan as well, she needs to figure out what she wants.

Him, the answer comes to her in an instant but feels so right. She wants him, in every sense of the word. She only needs to man up and find the courage to tell him.

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Sleep doesn't come easily but he didn't expect anything less. Beside the pain, that is dulled by the medication, it's the memories that haunt him. He would never forget, he never expected to forget. It's part of his life, it's part of who he is. But at least he figured he would be over it in some way, at least give it some place in his life. What happened to him had made it clear to him, he had been lying. He had put it away, in the back of his mind. Knowing he would never meet them again had helped him in locking it away. But the beatings, the fact that those criminals did it because they could had brought everything back.

The pain, the tears, the smells and the fear. He didn't need to try, he could just smell the alcoholic stench from his father, he could hear the screams of his mother and her pleading. He could feel the impact of the beatings, the saltiness of the tears after. But most of all he could feel the anger towards them, the anger that led him to use the gun on his father and the silent treatment to his mother. Although she had started that. Deep down he had always known she wouldn't leave his father, not in a million years and it broke his heart. Back then he had wanted nothing else but a safe life, away from his abusive father. But she never did, she never left him. She did come to him, crying, cradling him and constantly mumbling sorry. Now he wasn't too sure the apologies were for him. Years later she had confirmed what he always had known. that she blamed him for what he had done. It had taken her illness and the moment where the doctors told her nothing could be done for her to realize that she had a son and had responsibilities towards him.

Her nearing death had urged her on a coming clean trip that had left both crying. She clearly had the need for forgiveness, he had given her what he could. Those weeks had been the most beautiful they have had. No shadows of his dad hanging over her, just a mother and her son. It hadn't lasted for long but he cherished those. Because then she had been the mother he had always wanted.

Now only anger remained for her, her being unable to realize all that way sooner. That blocked all the other, the better memories he had of her.

There had only been two people who had known about his parents and how life with them had been. A couple more knew about the shooting, including his partner. She probably has an inkling a lot more had been going on, but he's grateful for her not asking anything about it. He doesn't want to tell her, he doesn't want to ruin her idea of a perfect father. He might have never had a perfect father or mother, he refuses to be the one that takes that away from her.

He is however coming to terms with the idea that he'll have to talk to someone. Nate, not his choice but Hetty's but she could have chosen worse. Nate knew what they were doing and secondly Nate knew his entire history. Trust Hetty to put together a file on him, a file that contained documents she shouldn't have in her possession. But this was Hetty they were talking about and Hetty did things her way. It led to Nate knowing what was going on, what had happened and he found himself at peace with that. He has to, if he wants to avoid Hetty and her letter opener, but he finds himself willing to. He needs to get out of this black hole and if Nate's the man to talk to, well he would allow that to happen.

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**Next up, some serious talking with Nate and Callen is up to something as well.**

**Let me know what you think. **


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